Hamster Wheel

Work has just about taken over my life. Which is why I've been so quiet here. The part of my life that has nothing to do with work is not going so well at the moment either. If the economy weren't so terrible right now, I'd be up for making some big changes. But as it is, I feel like I just have to ride things out for a while.

I Found Jesus

He was in Walmart and he had a Kung-Fu grip.

We went to Walmart in search of printer ink for Mike's mother. There's no other place in town that might have had it. And turns out even Walmart didn't. 

But they did have a 13-inch, fully articulated, talking Jesus doll. He came dressed in a beige tunic with belt and a dark brown sash.

That Jesus doll was knocking on my heart, and if my father-in-law hadn't been with us, I would have, for $14.95, opened the door to my heart, as well as my wallet, and taken him home with me forever.

Grinchy Claws

The more I thought about Christmas shopping, the more it made me mad this year. It makes me mad every year, actually, but this year, what with everything going on that's going on, I just couldn't bring myself to spend time and money buying things that people really don't need. So today, I made a decision. When asked for my Christmas list, which is what the husband's family shops from, I sent a list of charities that they could donate to in my name and asked him to forward it to all of them and let them know that I'd be donating to charities in their names this year rather than buying gifts (except for the niece and nephew, who will get their swag, because they're kids).

I'd suggested this a few weeks ago, and Mike seemed nervous about my doing it. But after reading about store employees being trampled to death by shoppers, I made up my mind.

Here's to not buying stupid crap!

Texas, Our Texas

I just got through booking a trip home for mid-December. It’s been two years, and I’ve been increasingly feeling like I need to get down there. Some people from high school are getting together in Dallas, so I thought I’d kill two mockingbirds with one stone, and get a family visit in, and see some people I used to go to school with in one trip.

While I’m looking forward to catching up with some old school friends (more like acquaintances, really, because the people I was friends with in high school won’t be there, but I have gotten to know some much better than I ever did then through facebook now), I’m not so much looking forward to the family portion of the visit.

There will be lots of sitting around in my mother’s dark house, watching television.
I also have to have a serious talk with my mother about my sister, who I saw a couple of weeks ago. I am somewhat dreading this, but have finally had enough of the denial and prevaricating, and am ready to clear the air.

My grandmother, while still physically in good shape, and mentally sharp, is, according to my mother, “ready to die.” I can’t even fathom what it must be like to be 96. I do know that she probably would have been happier if she had been left where she was living, with her cousin, in her own house in West Texas, with some semblance of her own life intact, and maybe someone hired to check in on the two of them regularly and run errands for them. Now she’s pretty much a prisoner in my mom’s house. And the dynamic between them is painful. She has no contact with the outside world, and over the last ten years or so that she’s lived there, she has become increasingly withdrawn and depressed. It is going to be hard to see, but if things are the way I think they probably are, this may very well be the last time I get to spend time with my grandmother.

Is it any wonder that I live 1500 miles from all that and it's been two years?

Susanne Takes a Moment Away from Her Facebook Obsession to Post Something on Her Dusty Old Blog

Jennifer's comment kicked me in the pants to post something on here. I've been meaning too. Best intentions and all.

Things are going well. Busy, but well. Work has been good. Not having to stay too late these days, but the days are full and I am most certainly tired at the end of them. I still like the job, and am finding ways to juggle creative pursuits in my free time.

I got on facebook right after my Berlin trip. Back in touch with lots of people from the old days, and with people who have moved out of the city. I spend entirely too much time on there.

I am exceedingly thrilled about the outcome of the presidential election. I still somewhat can't believe it.

I went to visit my sister last weekend. It had been three years, which is entirely too long. I'm planning a trip to Tejas, as the guilt-o-meter there is well into the red. My grandmother will be turning 94 this December. I need to get down there.

Here's a painting I've been working on in class that's probably about 75 percent done.

I miss all of you. I should really bet back into the blogger groove.

Berlin, Berlin

Wings

Comrade

Towers

Holocaust memorial 1

Holocaust memorial 2

Berlin

I'm typing this from my extremely small room in a hotel in Berlin. I got here this morning and spent all day in market testing. Of course my time is all screwed up, and though I'm exhausted, I have no interest in going to sleep, though I have to soon, because I'm meeting some old friends for breakfast in the morning, some whom I haven't seen in about three years, the others in almost a decade.

The testing center was a good thirty minutes walk from the hotel. I had just enough time to check into the hotel, shower and change before I walked to testing. I'm staying, and the testing center was, in what was the big center of things before the wall fell. It is a little sad over here now. All the action is in the former east, in an area called Mitte. I'll stroll around over there tomorrow or Sunday to see how it's changed since the last time I was here and it was just getting to be a big deal over there. Where I am feels a bit sleepy, not quite down at the heels, just kind of blah.

Berlin was the first big city I ever spent any time in. It was up there as one of my wonders of the world. A decade in New York has me feeling a little less impressed with it, I suppose. And I think I've spent enough time in Germany in my life that it doesn't even feel like such a big whoop to even be here.

Used to, I'd get so insulted if someone wanted to speak English with me. I wanted desperately to pass. Or to not be recognized as an American. Now, I don't really care. It's amazing how much stress that has relieved.

I can remember so many times flying into Germany and starting to feel a nervous panic. This time it felt like I was taking the subway to some lost outerborough of New York that I don't visit that often, some freakishly clean, ueber-designed area way out in Brooklyn somewhere.

I flew to Munich first and then caught a flight to Berlin. I found myself feeling wistful about Munich when I thought I'd be feeling wistful about Berlin.

The year I spent in Munich was hard in lots of ways. It was when I knew I didn't want to finish my Ph.D., and the whole year I was just anxious for it to be over, because I knew I wanted to get on with my life, and to get on with that life in New York. I still had some good times there, and it was a beautiful city. I can't say I regret having gone through that. I guess I just wish I could go back and enjoy it more than I did then.

I thought I'd be feeling wistful about Berlin, not only because experiencing it way back in college really opened my eyes to what was out there in the world beyond Arkansas and Texas, but because I spent a lot of time here with Foghorn, my ex-husband. And those were fun, exciting times, with lots of friends and laughing and traveling around. I was in Chicago for market testing right before I got to Berlin. Foghorn lives in Chicago now. I didn't see him, but he was on my mind. My old life was on my mind. I guess there's been enough distance from it now that I can see what was good there. Not that I'd want to go back to it. Now is so much better.

I actually thought my old life would be much more on my mind while being here, but it hasn't really. I'm just here. As I am now.

And that's good.