I have been feeling that old urge to write things that are not for my job, so I am seeing if I will pick this up again or not. I may very well start fresh elsewhere. But let's see if I actually keep up with this one first.
Things have happened since February.
A big thing that has has happened is that I am getting divorced. Again. A two-time loser am I. I think I stayed with it longer than I should have just because I didn't want to be twice divorced. It seems trashy to me. Your old creepy uncle gets divorced twice. But you? You have better sense than that. One is understandable. But two? Please.
But I got over that. Myrna Loy was divorced four times, by the way. Part of getting over it was looking to see how many fabulous dames had multiple divorces. Not that I want to give Myrna a run for most-divorced.
It is a good thing, this thing that is happening to me right now. People who I know well have been surprised at how calm I am right now, how much happier and lighter I seem. I am getting divorced. I am supposed to be sad. But I am not. Not any more. All the Sturm and Drang, the anger and the sadness, was last year. Last year was when I fell apart, when I started to see where this was heading. I went home for a visit with my mother back in December, and it was the first time that I allowed myself to say the word divorce. It had already crept into my thinking a couple of months before.
We were supposed to be trying to have a baby, the soon-to-be ex mister and me. What happened was that it was like turning on the light at night in your kitchen that you thought was clean and finding it infested with cockroaches.
Problems that had been there from the beginning were no longer able to be ignored. The more I looked at them in the clear light, the more I could not live with them. After the trip to Texas, I told him I thought it would be very bad if I did manage to pregnant and I got back on the pill.
An ultimatum was issued. A request to get a referral for marriage counseling from his shrink.
And then he did nothing. Nothing changed.
There was fear. Sadness. Profound disappointment in me and in him. In us.
The week after Memorial Day, I pulled the plug on it.
I have not regretted doing so for a moment.
I am seeing clearly. I feel strong. And being on my own feels good.
6 comments:
Sometimes change is for the best.
I think we covered this already so you already know my thoughts. But it's good to see you writing!!! Keep it up
Boy. I feel like I've just crawled out from under a rock into the sunlight to find you again. And boy! I am glad you feel lighter and airier. I didn't see this one coming, not by a mile, but I'm very proud of you for taking whatever steps necessary to be happy. Our inner peace is the one thing we've got worth anything, you know?
I've missed you. I'm going to try and resume my bloggy life, too. So glad you're still here with me. :-)
Jen, it is so good to see you here. I stopped by your place the other day, and saw that you'd taken a bit of a break.
And Jack, it was you who got me back over here. I saw your recent "yoohoo where are you" comment on my last post, and realized it had been since February.
Rafael hears from me all the time on facebook, probably more than he wants.
Hi! So this is what feed readers are for.
Sorry to hear about your big D -- but it sounds like you're looking at it the right way. I never got back into blogging after my break-up, but I still think about it.
Not sure you remember me, but I wanted to say hi. Hope all is well. Thinking of you. Good for you for doing what you needed to do.
Wishing you the best,
Stacey
(I don't even remember my password here)!!
Post a Comment