Berlin

I'm typing this from my extremely small room in a hotel in Berlin. I got here this morning and spent all day in market testing. Of course my time is all screwed up, and though I'm exhausted, I have no interest in going to sleep, though I have to soon, because I'm meeting some old friends for breakfast in the morning, some whom I haven't seen in about three years, the others in almost a decade.

The testing center was a good thirty minutes walk from the hotel. I had just enough time to check into the hotel, shower and change before I walked to testing. I'm staying, and the testing center was, in what was the big center of things before the wall fell. It is a little sad over here now. All the action is in the former east, in an area called Mitte. I'll stroll around over there tomorrow or Sunday to see how it's changed since the last time I was here and it was just getting to be a big deal over there. Where I am feels a bit sleepy, not quite down at the heels, just kind of blah.

Berlin was the first big city I ever spent any time in. It was up there as one of my wonders of the world. A decade in New York has me feeling a little less impressed with it, I suppose. And I think I've spent enough time in Germany in my life that it doesn't even feel like such a big whoop to even be here.

Used to, I'd get so insulted if someone wanted to speak English with me. I wanted desperately to pass. Or to not be recognized as an American. Now, I don't really care. It's amazing how much stress that has relieved.

I can remember so many times flying into Germany and starting to feel a nervous panic. This time it felt like I was taking the subway to some lost outerborough of New York that I don't visit that often, some freakishly clean, ueber-designed area way out in Brooklyn somewhere.

I flew to Munich first and then caught a flight to Berlin. I found myself feeling wistful about Munich when I thought I'd be feeling wistful about Berlin.

The year I spent in Munich was hard in lots of ways. It was when I knew I didn't want to finish my Ph.D., and the whole year I was just anxious for it to be over, because I knew I wanted to get on with my life, and to get on with that life in New York. I still had some good times there, and it was a beautiful city. I can't say I regret having gone through that. I guess I just wish I could go back and enjoy it more than I did then.

I thought I'd be feeling wistful about Berlin, not only because experiencing it way back in college really opened my eyes to what was out there in the world beyond Arkansas and Texas, but because I spent a lot of time here with Foghorn, my ex-husband. And those were fun, exciting times, with lots of friends and laughing and traveling around. I was in Chicago for market testing right before I got to Berlin. Foghorn lives in Chicago now. I didn't see him, but he was on my mind. My old life was on my mind. I guess there's been enough distance from it now that I can see what was good there. Not that I'd want to go back to it. Now is so much better.

I actually thought my old life would be much more on my mind while being here, but it hasn't really. I'm just here. As I am now.

And that's good.